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Loss & Grieving

Hey Siri, please play How Do I Say Goodbye by Dean Lewis.   I still remember the first time I lost a family member. I was six at that time and I lost my baby brother. I didn’t know what grief is like. I asked my mother, where is he going and she replied, “he’s going to your grandma.”   I just nodded, pretend like I understand what she said. I was just six.   When I was eight, I lost my paternal grandma. I still remember my mother had a call from my aunt saying that my grandma is dead. We departed at midnight and the journey took us almost 8 hours. I was only eight. I still didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t go to her funeral. I didn’t even get the chance to see her. I was eight and I’m still don’t know what grief and loss is.   And when I was nine, I lost my maternal grandpa. I was nine and I somehow, I the feeling of losing your family member. When he’s gone, I have this void and I figured it must be grieving. I was there when he was dying. I was there during his
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The Lucky One

 Back then I didn't know. How you truly feel about everything. I could feel your pain, but I couldn't understand it. I was confused when you did what you did. All I could think was my feelings and not yours. Years later, As I'm walking down the memory lane I look over the old pictures. I reread the old letters. That's when I started to understand everything. You're still traumatized by your past. That's why you're afraid of being abandoned by the people you care. That's why you choose to leave first before they do. I know there's a big void in your heart. You tried to fill it. But no matter how hard you try, it keeps getting bigger and bigger. You start to lose hope, and slowly sabotage yourself. I know sometimes you think that the world would be better off without you. But you're wrong. When you start to drown, you're saved by your friends. The people that still have faith in you. No matter how hard you try to shut them out, they never did g
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Run Away

 For some reason, I wanna run away from this old town. I never want to stay here forever. I want to run and never looking back at this place. I just wanna be free from every string that holds me to the ground.  I just tired of feeling trapped in this house. 
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Me Time

Today I had appointment with my psychiatrist. I always looking forward to go to hospital for my appointment. It just feels safe (which I don’t know how to describe it) It didn’t take long.  But it feels good. I feel good. And more importantly today was the first time that I drove all by myself and I’m proud of it. Overall I could say I feel much better today.
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Somewhere in May

 May 2023 I did not realise that I haven't update much since January. Well long story short, my life has been like a rollercoaster. I'm still trying to stay alive but lately I just don't have the energy to do so. I tried so hard to escape from this madness. This mental maze. No matter how hard I tried, I just don't see the end of the line, hence the repeating failure and relapses. My doctor has increased the dosage to 300 mg. But that 300 mg of Quetiapine Fumarate doesn't help at all. I'm still haunted by all those nightmares and the voices. Day and night. Sometimes I see things which I know that I'm probably hallucinated. I am so freaking tired. I don't even recognised my face when I see my face every time I look at the mirror. That pale face and dark circles under those eyes. Even my social battery drained like I haven't recharge, All I want to do just lay down and close my eyes I want to be free from this mess I want to stop crying like a little g
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Running Away

I’ve been running away from my problems ever since my last encounter with AJ. I ignored all the pain that I feel. I act like I didn’t care. I act like I have moved on from the past. But am I though? I have been tuning out the pain because I just don’t want to feel it all over again. What I don’t know is that the feeling will keep coming to me. Keep resurfacing and till one point that I started to drown in it.  I kept crying every night.  I wanna be mad. I wanna punch him till I feel okay. I wanna scream out loud. I wanna blame him for the misery i have been through. I wanna blame myself for being such a fool. I just wanna cry because it hurts so much. I chose to stop writing poems about him just because I wanna prove to my friend that I’m done with him. But deep inside, I don’t think I can really move on and forget everything.
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You're not here and it's my fault. I pushed you away and hurt you. You had enough of it, so you leave. I thought that i would be fine without you. But i really am not. Other people might see that I'm okay. But they're wrong. I wear a mask every day in my life. Telling and selling to people that I'm okay. I really am okay. And when I'm alone, I take it off. I could see my reflection. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of fighting the urges to cut myself deep. Or even hang me. I thought that I'm getting better. Silly me, thinking that I'll be okay.  Every day I keep wondering if I could turn back time. How I wish I never pushed you away from me when I'm not okay.
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