Loss & Grieving

Hey Siri, please play How Do I Say Goodbye by Dean Lewis.

 

I still remember the first time I lost a family member. I was six at that time and I lost my baby brother. I didn’t know what grief is like. I asked my mother, where is he going and she replied, “he’s going to your grandma.”

 

I just nodded, pretend like I understand what she said. I was just six.

 

When I was eight, I lost my paternal grandma. I still remember my mother had a call from my aunt saying that my grandma is dead. We departed at midnight and the journey took us almost 8 hours. I was only eight. I still didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t go to her funeral. I didn’t even get the chance to see her. I was eight and I’m still don’t know what grief and loss is.

 

And when I was nine, I lost my maternal grandpa. I was nine and I somehow, I the feeling of losing your family member. When he’s gone, I have this void and I figured it must be grieving. I was there when he was dying. I was there during his funeral. I was there every moment during his final breath.

I was his first granddaughter. I was his first favorite. And I lost him.

I was just nine.

Suddenly breathing seems so hard. 

And I realized something. I didn’t just loss my grandpa but my little brother too. 

My little brother.

I never knew this kind of feeling would make me feel at lost. It took me three/four years to finally understand that my brother is dead just like my grandpa and grandma.

It hurts knowing that I realised too late.

What make it worse was I dreamed of my grandpa a year later. I dreamed he comes back. i think that was the closure and maybe I miss him too much. When I woke up, there were tears and I sobbed.

“This grief will pass eventually.” I told myself. Repetitively.

But guess what, it never passes. You just somehow live with it. Somedays I didn’t even remember the feeling of loss and somedays I find myself crying in my room secretly just because I miss them so much. That’s the thing about life, you will never know when it would your last day with your loved ones.

 

So, my advice is, always cherish every moment that you have. If you love someone, do tell them occasionally. Remind them that they’re important.

 

And now… I’m crying. Again.

But I know I’ll be fine.