M U L A N

Wow I haven’t posted anything in a while.  Gosh I have so much to say but words seems to disappear whenever I try to write. Not sure if it’s because of me slowly forgetting or losing my muse. Or it was because that I’m losing my sanity and there’s no way I can get it back.  You know it has been 5 years since the diagnosed and 18 years since the start of everything. I’m still questioning myself am I doing the right thing. To be present now. Is this really what I want? Am I going to get through this or not. Will I ever be content enough. I don’t have the answer.

It’s April and this is my first post for this year. I’ve been away for almost 7 months and now I’m back.  Before 2024 starts,  I reconsidered to give life another chance. I don’t know if that’s what I truly wanted but I promised my friends that I would try again. And so I did.  It’s challenging to be honest. Well, life isn’t supposed to be easy. I know that.  Two or three weeks ago, I had a major relapse. The second time I relapse this year. One was in January. And the second time was in March.  Ever since my first relapse in January, I barely recognised myself. I felt numb. I started to forget things and it affects my work. I um became a workaholic which was worse for me.  I didn’t get the rest that I needed. That’s when I have countless near death encounters. Especially when I drive to work. I stop talking to my friends.  I pushed people away. That’s what I do when I’m not okay.  I know I should ask for help. I know that it’s okay for wanting help but I was ignorant. I thought that i

Hey Siri, please play How Do I Say Goodbye by Dean Lewis.   I still remember the first time I lost a family member. I was six at that time and I lost my baby brother. I didn’t know what grief is like. I asked my mother, where is he going and she replied, “he’s going to your grandma.”   I just nodded, pretend like I understand what she said. I was just six.   When I was eight, I lost my paternal grandma. I still remember my mother had a call from my aunt saying that my grandma is dead. We departed at midnight and the journey took us almost 8 hours. I was only eight. I still didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t go to her funeral. I didn’t even get the chance to see her. I was eight and I’m still don’t know what grief and loss is.   And when I was nine, I lost my maternal grandpa. I was nine and I somehow, I the feeling of losing your family member. When he’s gone, I have this void and I figured it must be grieving. I was there when he was dying. I was there during his

 Back then I didn't know. How you truly feel about everything. I could feel your pain, but I couldn't understand it. I was confused when you did what you did. All I could think was my feelings and not yours. Years later, As I'm walking down the memory lane I look over the old pictures. I reread the old letters. That's when I started to understand everything. You're still traumatized by your past. That's why you're afraid of being abandoned by the people you care. That's why you choose to leave first before they do. I know there's a big void in your heart. You tried to fill it. But no matter how hard you try, it keeps getting bigger and bigger. You start to lose hope, and slowly sabotage yourself. I know sometimes you think that the world would be better off without you. But you're wrong. When you start to drown, you're saved by your friends. The people that still have faith in you. No matter how hard you try to shut them out, they never did g

 For some reason, I wanna run away from this old town. I never want to stay here forever. I want to run and never looking back at this place. I just wanna be free from every string that holds me to the ground.  I just tired of feeling trapped in this house. 

Today I had appointment with my psychiatrist. I always looking forward to go to hospital for my appointment. It just feels safe (which I don’t know how to describe it) It didn’t take long.  But it feels good. I feel good. And more importantly today was the first time that I drove all by myself and I’m proud of it. Overall I could say I feel much better today.