M U L A N

Every day I wake up thinking that why I haven't die yet. For the whole day I just need to fake everything So I am trying to be okay despite was being suicidal everytime. I feel bad for being mentally ill. I feel sorry to both my parents because having their daughter that wanting to die. I feel sorry to my friends because I coudn't be the happy me like I used to be. I feel bad for reaching out to my friends, I just can't stop crying  The numbness, the emptiness. I hate it. To mom, I'm sorry. I decided not to tell you anymore. You don't need to worry about me anymore. Just know that I will be alright. It's okay. Le me carry all the pain alone. I deserve this.

"Take care." "Be safe always." That was your last message to me. Then we start all over again as a stranger. AJ, If you reading this, Please remember your promise to me. But if you still want to do it during the snow, I want to follow your steps. Everything that happened in my life, I just can't carry it anymore. I'm metally exhausted. I don't know what to do with my life, I am not sure what I want in the future anymore, Not sure if I know who I am anymore. I keep crying with no reason, Thinking death the only way, I don't worth living AJ. Getting too depend on sleep pills Because it is hard for me to sleep Even I want to sleep but I just can't And all I do was crying I am such a mess AJ. I feel numb and empty. Am I wrong for feeling that way?

I always ask to myself "Why I can't be normal like everyone else?" , "Why me?" And I don't have the answer. It was hard for me to go through everything My life isn't perfect, but it's complete catastrophic. I have been keeping it all by myself since I was 10. And now when everything burst, I started to lose control. By hook or by crook I need to admit that I need help. I took my cutter from pencil case Was wondering how would it feels to have blood dripping out I started to cut because of curiosity. My mom didn't know when I went to see doctor She doesn't has a clue what is going on with my life I was diagnosed with Adjustment Depression Disorder And I was given Lexapro 10mg. That was 26 June 2019. I thought I was getting better But I am far from better I keep banging my head to the wall, punching the wall, cut my wrist I just can't resist from doing harms to myself. I have so m

It has been five months now. I am still struggling to be okay everyday. But I need to admit that sometimes I don't. I fall apart I cry I get hurt again Easily irritated Mad for no reason Triggered out of blue I'm tired, mentally exhausted. All I want is this pain to stop. I'm not strong enough to handling shit everyday. I don't want this pain anymore. Please make it stop. Please God. I can't handle the pain anymore.