M U L A N

25 December 2020 Let me tell you a story.. It starts with there is a flower that bloom on winter. Yeah, winter. It's Christmas. Well, not many people know about this story. But you do now. The flower that blooms in the winter. It's beautiful But you can never touch it. If you dare to touch it, you will only bleed yourself. It's winter again. Seeing you growing up a year older. Shine whenever the light touch you. Like crystal. Very tempting. Somehow, that flower was never meant for anyone. Never meant for take it, to be honest. All you can do is to nourish it and make sure it blooms every year during winter. But hey, it's okay. After all I am the girl who takes care of you. Just that and not more than that. It breaks my heart actually. To love something that won't even be mine. I'm that girl who chose to prick her finger while trying to reach it. I'm that girl who keep trying to hold on tight to it. I'm that girl that never stop caring. I know it's du...

  "Because when it rains, I will always remember you. You know I will always be there for you. No matter what." Sejak kebelakangan ini bumi metropolitan sering dihujani. Tak tahu sama ada bumi sedang bersedih atau hujan yang turun dikatakan rahmat, yalah mencuci dosa dosa yang dilakukan oleh manusia. Melihat hujan yang turun dari tingkat 8 membuatkan dia dibuai kenangan lama. Atau barangkali melayan perasaan.  Sudahlah hujan, bersendirian pulak tu tambahan lagi bau aroma peach lagi membuatkan Malissa bertambah sendu. Sendu yang tak tahu nak digambarkan bagaimana. Kadang terasa menyesal, kadang rasa kosong. Hanya kerana satu nama. Aus. "Oh well December. How can I ever move on from him?" Flashback... "Don't think that I will ever come back after what you did!" jerit Aus bengang. Rasa amarah makin menebal dalam hati. Malissa yang berada di hadapannya dipandang. Satu keluhan dilepaskan. "You know what Malis? Let's just stop everything right now. ...

10 days before your birthday Dear J,  How are you? Have you been okay since I am not around you? How was you life without me? Did you ever miss me? I think I lost my count on how many days since I lose you. It was awful, I must say. Hey J, Did you even like me?

 Feel so exhausted ever since the semester started. and now have to deal with another cmco. It has been a while since my last relapsed. However, I lost control. i guess I carried it for too long. Maybe that's why I can't take it anymore. So I let my anger control me. And the worst part is I hate myself even more. For not being a completely normal girl. Why I have to face all of these shit? sigh.

I guessed we are getting better a little bit right? Let me start from the beginning. I have known you for a year now. Perhaps through stalking you online and you caught me in a red handed. Then we started being friends, although we don't know each other. We kept shut ourselves from each other sometimes but keep coming back. I will never forget the night you saved me. Even it was a call to check up on me. You advised me to get warded and I listened to you. Ever since that night, whenever I am about to lose hope on everything, I will watch your video. Your motivational video. Our story may be different, but the journey that we had to deal is one kind of challenging. We keep facing it and the only thing that we can do is to endure it. You know what, I always admire you from the beginning. You are such a strong person that I ever know. You still keep breathing even you want to take your own life.  Somehow, I kind of feel safe when I hear your voice. It feels like home though. Perhaps I...

 To Jaja. I wish you're here with me. I keep missing you.  It has been a week I guess. I have been feeling so energetic and happy. But at this moment, all I want to do is crying. I want you to be here. Why did you never visit me once after you're away? Don't you ever miss me? Jaja, when I read back the Ethereal, at the part that stop, I can feel the weight of so much feelings yet don't know how to let it out. Oh ya Jaja, when I was cleaning my room, I came across to see the notes that you left for me. You said, be the princess that doesn't need a knight to save her from anything. But Jaja, all I ever want is for you to be always be my knight. Till then, I hope to see you soon.

Ever since the mco start, students like me were told to go home. So we followed the order. We went home.Then the adults had to work from home and some of them lose their jobs because of these pandemic that happened all over the world. Each of us have our own struggle. So did I. So if someone out there is having rough day, I would like to say, "Hey, every struggle that you had, every emotions that you need to deal with it, you are such strong person. I am so proud of you. Please hang it on and it is always okay to reach out for someone that you can trust." Take care okay!