M U L A N

I'm not your daughter anymore.  I lost my mom when I was 11. I'm not your daughter anymore.  Do please don't act like you're my mother.  I'm not your daughter anymore.  So please don't be nice to me.  I'm not your daughter anymore.  It's too late for you. 

 I'm not strong enough.  Not strong enough to endure the pain. How I wish every single day for death.  I'm such a selfish person. I still want to leave everything behind. Family and friends. This world is too much.  Jaja, How come you never visit me anymore? Is it because you stop care about me? I miss you. Too much. Atria, You told me to block those bad memories that keep tear me apart. Even I try it, those memories keep haunting me. Keep remind me and never let me go. After all, our brains don't work like memory chip where we only keep what we wants only. Polaris, I know we don't talk anymore but it's okay.  Alnilam, I just wanna say sorry if I'm not the same person like you used to know.I hope you won't hate me for who I am now. Irzd, Where the hell have you been? Please come by and drag Jaja too. AJ, One thing that I learned from you, I learned to forget about you.

Hey Al, If you ever reading this post, I wanna tell you.  You do still remember Irzd right? Somehow, there's a person named irzd too! And it reminds me of you.

 Starts shaking. I wish someone here. Pulling me from keep drowning in my own thoughts.  I. WANNA. FREAKING. DIE. RIGHT. NOW. Does 21 pills of 200mg Quetipine Fumarate and bunch of Lithium Carbonate 300mg enough? I can't stop crying. I want my jaja. I want him to take me. Far away from here. Away from being alive.

 I'm back. Not sure what to write.  I relapsed two days ago.  But hey, it's a phase right? Gonna keep remind myself that one day I will be normal back again. Heh.

For my dear Jaja.  Thank you for being there for me. Although not always. But you still there for me. Jaja. That nickname really suits you. Al doesn't know yet that I called you Jaja instead of Am. You will always be my Jaja right, Am?  One day, I hope you will take me with you. I really hope you won't leave me again. I keep telling myself that you will take me home.  Till the time comes, I will see you and Irzd.  Truly yours.  

I guess I keep depend on my friends. To be honest, I don't really have much friends in real life. I do have friends but not quite close that I can count on them every time when I need someone. But I do have friends that I only met through social medias. There's Alnilam, Polaris, Atria. I gave them names tho because it fits them personally. It has been years I have known them. I met Atria once back in 2019. Perhaps there will be the time that I will meet Alnilam and Polaris. Eventually. I have known AJ also through social media and he's been a good friend to me and inspire me to keep on surviving with the mental illness that I have. Not to forget, when people doesn't show up, Jaja (Am) and Irzd will show up. They never left in the first place. Always watching out for me. I hope one day I can follow them, Leaving this shit mess place.