M U L A N

Would you promise me to stay if I let my guards down? Would you promise  me to be there for me when everything is not right? Would you comfort me whenever I am scared? Would you love a broken person like me? Heh. 

Don't come near me. Don't be nice to me. Don't give me hopes. Just don't.

I am so confused with myself these past few days. I am not sure what to feel anymore as I can't control my mood swings. I do ask to myself why it must be me to feel this kind of pain. The pain which I can barely explain to people. I feel hurt, empty, angry, sad, denial, suicidal, numb and my happiness doesn't last longer. I feel scared enough when ever I met new people. I tried my hard to not let anyone in anymore because I really had enough of losing people. It will only make things become worse.  Just like my ex said to me that I am the bad person who doesn't care enough of anyone's feelings. Maybe that is why I should keep my distance from everyone.  Jaja, perhaps this is the time for you to take me with you. Leaving this cruel world so I don't have to deal with all these pain anymore.

I hate being myself. I hate myself more than people ever do. I just can't continue my life. It hurts so much and affect my life. I don't even know who I really am. I'm not like I used to be. Everyday hurts me damn much. I just want these pains to stop. Please make it stop.  I feel very exhausted because of my unstable mental health. I want to sleep but it's hard until I have to depend on sleeping pills. Geez.  Lately I am in my depressive episodes. Almost a week I guess? But yeah, nobody realised it because I don't want to burden anyone else. Not my mom at least. Thought of getting better, but it just a lie actually. Telling myself that one day I will be okay but the fact I am nowhere near getting any better. I feel so sorry to those who is in my circle. I only make the worry.  AJ, You don't have to be there for me. You don't have to. Atria, I'm still carry on with my life. At least for now. Polaris, I guess I...

I hate myself for feeling this way. Being suicidal but can't die. I feel so alone even being surrounded by people. Yet no one notice. I'm scared. I'm not strong enough like I used to be. If I disappear from this world, will someone look out for me? or no one will notice?

Every day I wake up thinking that why I haven't die yet. For the whole day I just need to fake everything So I am trying to be okay despite was being suicidal everytime. I feel bad for being mentally ill. I feel sorry to both my parents because having their daughter that wanting to die. I feel sorry to my friends because I coudn't be the happy me like I used to be. I feel bad for reaching out to my friends, I just can't stop crying  The numbness, the emptiness. I hate it. To mom, I'm sorry. I decided not to tell you anymore. You don't need to worry about me anymore. Just know that I will be alright. It's okay. Le me carry all the pain alone. I deserve this.

I always ask to myself "Why I can't be normal like everyone else?" , "Why me?" And I don't have the answer. It was hard for me to go through everything My life isn't perfect, but it's complete catastrophic. I have been keeping it all by myself since I was 10. And now when everything burst, I started to lose control. By hook or by crook I need to admit that I need help. I took my cutter from pencil case Was wondering how would it feels to have blood dripping out I started to cut because of curiosity. My mom didn't know when I went to see doctor She doesn't has a clue what is going on with my life I was diagnosed with Adjustment Depression Disorder And I was given Lexapro 10mg. That was 26 June 2019. I thought I was getting better But I am far from better I keep banging my head to the wall, punching the wall, cut my wrist I just can't resist from doing harms to myself. I have so m...