M U L A N

I’ve been running away from my problems ever since my last encounter with AJ. I ignored all the pain that I feel. I act like I didn’t care. I act like I have moved on from the past. But am I though? I have been tuning out the pain because I just don’t want to feel it all over again. What I don’t know is that the feeling will keep coming to me. Keep resurfacing and till one point that I started to drown in it.  I kept crying every night.  I wanna be mad. I wanna punch him till I feel okay. I wanna scream out loud. I wanna blame him for the misery i have been through. I wanna blame myself for being such a fool. I just wanna cry because it hurts so much. I chose to stop writing poems about him just because I wanna prove to my friend that I’m done with him. But deep inside, I don’t think I can really move on and forget everything.

You're not here and it's my fault. I pushed you away and hurt you. You had enough of it, so you leave. I thought that i would be fine without you. But i really am not. Other people might see that I'm okay. But they're wrong. I wear a mask every day in my life. Telling and selling to people that I'm okay. I really am okay. And when I'm alone, I take it off. I could see my reflection. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of fighting the urges to cut myself deep. Or even hang me. I thought that I'm getting better. Silly me, thinking that I'll be okay.  Every day I keep wondering if I could turn back time. How I wish I never pushed you away from me when I'm not okay.

How to say goodbye when you're not ready? How to say you'll be fine when you're not sure? How to say that it is okay to move on? How can you ever be whole again when you lost your home? The truth is... I don't even know. I have been running away for 19 months Just because I had enough of the cycle But somehow... deep in my heart, I regretted it. A lot. I shouldn't have leave in the first place Now I need to deal with the consequences of my actions I guess this is the end of everything The last chapter of our story No more poems No more fighting No more coming back I'll be okay. I will try to be okay. I hope you're now happy and safe with people who actually care for you. I wish the best for you even when I'm not a part of it. It's okay to hate me. I know you were hurt because of me. I know saying sorry wouldn't be sufficient. I know that. I know this time you won't coming back again. It's time to move on and close this sad book of ours.  ...

 "I need you to promise me that you will stay alive no matter what." "It's not fair if you're not doing the same thing." "Till the never after I promise you that." "Promise."

It's been a while I've been clean and sober. To be honest, I don't like it. Because it feels too normal without having any drastic changes of my bipolar mood.  It's too quiet without the voices inside my head.  It's been awfully empty without having to hear Jaja or Irzd.  I'm scared. Terrified of losing Jaja and Irzd. They've been with me since 2015. They kept me safe from others. They love me when no one else does. They're my knights.  I don't want to lose them.  If this what being free feels. I don't want it. Without the chaos, I don't know who I truly am.  I just don't know who I am.  And I fear that. 

  I dream of you last night You were coming back home to me You were smiling at me when you see my face We had a talk We laughed, I cried, and you comfort me When I'm with you, I feel safe. But when I woke up this morning You weren't here There's no text from you And I'm all alone With the blood and bruises If this what it takes to see you again I would do it again in a heartbeat You're my muse You inspired me to write again It makes me feel close to you It's like I could feel your presence with me It's like we're strolling in there and enjoy the words You're my rose I know you guard yourself with all the thorns I don't mind bleeding my hands so I could hold you close to me Even with the thorns You are beautiful to me You're my home A home where I could cry and feel safe A home where I could rant everything to you Because you always know what words to give to me And I would run to you I would stay with you During the storm, winter, spring and...

I know it is too early to write you a poem. Somehow, I just want to write something about you. I don't want to keep suppress this feeling anymore. I need to let it out. I just wish you would be here and say, "Thoughts on anything? I'm here to listen." There are so many things that I want to say. So many feelings that I need to let it out. And I just need you to come back and be here again. I used to hate when you call me using that particular nickname, and now I miss it.  I miss everything the way it used to be.