M U L A N

Today I had appointment with my psychiatrist. I always looking forward to go to hospital for my appointment. It just feels safe (which I don’t know how to describe it) It didn’t take long.  But it feels good. I feel good. And more importantly today was the first time that I drove all by myself and I’m proud of it. Overall I could say I feel much better today.

 May 2023 I did not realise that I haven't update much since January. Well long story short, my life has been like a rollercoaster. I'm still trying to stay alive but lately I just don't have the energy to do so. I tried so hard to escape from this madness. This mental maze. No matter how hard I tried, I just don't see the end of the line, hence the repeating failure and relapses. My doctor has increased the dosage to 300 mg. But that 300 mg of Quetiapine Fumarate doesn't help at all. I'm still haunted by all those nightmares and the voices. Day and night. Sometimes I see things which I know that I'm probably hallucinated. I am so freaking tired. I don't even recognised my face when I see my face every time I look at the mirror. That pale face and dark circles under those eyes. Even my social battery drained like I haven't recharge, All I want to do just lay down and close my eyes I want to be free from this mess I want to stop crying like a little g...

I’ve been running away from my problems ever since my last encounter with AJ. I ignored all the pain that I feel. I act like I didn’t care. I act like I have moved on from the past. But am I though? I have been tuning out the pain because I just don’t want to feel it all over again. What I don’t know is that the feeling will keep coming to me. Keep resurfacing and till one point that I started to drown in it.  I kept crying every night.  I wanna be mad. I wanna punch him till I feel okay. I wanna scream out loud. I wanna blame him for the misery i have been through. I wanna blame myself for being such a fool. I just wanna cry because it hurts so much. I chose to stop writing poems about him just because I wanna prove to my friend that I’m done with him. But deep inside, I don’t think I can really move on and forget everything.

You're not here and it's my fault. I pushed you away and hurt you. You had enough of it, so you leave. I thought that i would be fine without you. But i really am not. Other people might see that I'm okay. But they're wrong. I wear a mask every day in my life. Telling and selling to people that I'm okay. I really am okay. And when I'm alone, I take it off. I could see my reflection. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of fighting the urges to cut myself deep. Or even hang me. I thought that I'm getting better. Silly me, thinking that I'll be okay.  Every day I keep wondering if I could turn back time. How I wish I never pushed you away from me when I'm not okay.

How to say goodbye when you're not ready? How to say you'll be fine when you're not sure? How to say that it is okay to move on? How can you ever be whole again when you lost your home? The truth is... I don't even know. I have been running away for 19 months Just because I had enough of the cycle But somehow... deep in my heart, I regretted it. A lot. I shouldn't have leave in the first place Now I need to deal with the consequences of my actions I guess this is the end of everything The last chapter of our story No more poems No more fighting No more coming back I'll be okay. I will try to be okay. I hope you're now happy and safe with people who actually care for you. I wish the best for you even when I'm not a part of it. It's okay to hate me. I know you were hurt because of me. I know saying sorry wouldn't be sufficient. I know that. I know this time you won't coming back again. It's time to move on and close this sad book of ours.  ...

 "I need you to promise me that you will stay alive no matter what." "It's not fair if you're not doing the same thing." "Till the never after I promise you that." "Promise."

It's been a while I've been clean and sober. To be honest, I don't like it. Because it feels too normal without having any drastic changes of my bipolar mood.  It's too quiet without the voices inside my head.  It's been awfully empty without having to hear Jaja or Irzd.  I'm scared. Terrified of losing Jaja and Irzd. They've been with me since 2015. They kept me safe from others. They love me when no one else does. They're my knights.  I don't want to lose them.  If this what being free feels. I don't want it. Without the chaos, I don't know who I truly am.  I just don't know who I am.  And I fear that.