M U L A N

I have stopped writing Eth a long time ago. Every time I went there, all I could feel was emptiness. I don't think I can write without inspiration, Especially when l've lost my muse. Truth be told, I want to go back to Eth. I want to be where I belong, But how can I go home without my muse?

Wow I haven’t posted anything in a while.  Gosh I have so much to say but words seems to disappear whenever I try to write. Not sure if it’s because of me slowly forgetting or losing my muse. Or it was because that I’m losing my sanity and there’s no way I can get it back.  You know it has been 5 years since the diagnosed and 18 years since the start of everything. I’m still questioning myself am I doing the right thing. To be present now. Is this really what I want? Am I going to get through this or not. Will I ever be content enough. I don’t have the answer.

It’s April and this is my first post for this year. I’ve been away for almost 7 months and now I’m back.  Before 2024 starts,  I reconsidered to give life another chance. I don’t know if that’s what I truly wanted but I promised my friends that I would try again. And so I did.  It’s challenging to be honest. Well, life isn’t supposed to be easy. I know that.  Two or three weeks ago, I had a major relapse. The second time I relapse this year. One was in January. And the second time was in March.  Ever since my first relapse in January, I barely recognised myself. I felt numb. I started to forget things and it affects my work. I um became a workaholic which was worse for me.  I didn’t get the rest that I needed. That’s when I have countless near death encounters. Especially when I drive to work. I stop talking to my friends.  I pushed people away. That’s what I do when I’m not okay.  I know I should ask for help. I know that it’s okay for wanting he...

Hey Siri, please play How Do I Say Goodbye by Dean Lewis.   I still remember the first time I lost a family member. I was six at that time and I lost my baby brother. I didn’t know what grief is like. I asked my mother, where is he going and she replied, “he’s going to your grandma.”   I just nodded, pretend like I understand what she said. I was just six.   When I was eight, I lost my paternal grandma. I still remember my mother had a call from my aunt saying that my grandma is dead. We departed at midnight and the journey took us almost 8 hours. I was only eight. I still didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t go to her funeral. I didn’t even get the chance to see her. I was eight and I’m still don’t know what grief and loss is.   And when I was nine, I lost my maternal grandpa. I was nine and I somehow, I the feeling of losing your family member. When he’s gone, I have this void and I figured it must be grieving. I was there when he was dying. I w...

 Back then I didn't know. How you truly feel about everything. I could feel your pain, but I couldn't understand it. I was confused when you did what you did. All I could think was my feelings and not yours. Years later, As I'm walking down the memory lane I look over the old pictures. I reread the old letters. That's when I started to understand everything. You're still traumatized by your past. That's why you're afraid of being abandoned by the people you care. That's why you choose to leave first before they do. I know there's a big void in your heart. You tried to fill it. But no matter how hard you try, it keeps getting bigger and bigger. You start to lose hope, and slowly sabotage yourself. I know sometimes you think that the world would be better off without you. But you're wrong. When you start to drown, you're saved by your friends. The people that still have faith in you. No matter how hard you try to shut them out, they never did g...

 For some reason, I wanna run away from this old town. I never want to stay here forever. I want to run and never looking back at this place. I just wanna be free from every string that holds me to the ground.  I just tired of feeling trapped in this house. 

Today I had appointment with my psychiatrist. I always looking forward to go to hospital for my appointment. It just feels safe (which I don’t know how to describe it) It didn’t take long.  But it feels good. I feel good. And more importantly today was the first time that I drove all by myself and I’m proud of it. Overall I could say I feel much better today.

 May 2023 I did not realise that I haven't update much since January. Well long story short, my life has been like a rollercoaster. I'm still trying to stay alive but lately I just don't have the energy to do so. I tried so hard to escape from this madness. This mental maze. No matter how hard I tried, I just don't see the end of the line, hence the repeating failure and relapses. My doctor has increased the dosage to 300 mg. But that 300 mg of Quetiapine Fumarate doesn't help at all. I'm still haunted by all those nightmares and the voices. Day and night. Sometimes I see things which I know that I'm probably hallucinated. I am so freaking tired. I don't even recognised my face when I see my face every time I look at the mirror. That pale face and dark circles under those eyes. Even my social battery drained like I haven't recharge, All I want to do just lay down and close my eyes I want to be free from this mess I want to stop crying like a little g...

I’ve been running away from my problems ever since my last encounter with AJ. I ignored all the pain that I feel. I act like I didn’t care. I act like I have moved on from the past. But am I though? I have been tuning out the pain because I just don’t want to feel it all over again. What I don’t know is that the feeling will keep coming to me. Keep resurfacing and till one point that I started to drown in it.  I kept crying every night.  I wanna be mad. I wanna punch him till I feel okay. I wanna scream out loud. I wanna blame him for the misery i have been through. I wanna blame myself for being such a fool. I just wanna cry because it hurts so much. I chose to stop writing poems about him just because I wanna prove to my friend that I’m done with him. But deep inside, I don’t think I can really move on and forget everything.

You're not here and it's my fault. I pushed you away and hurt you. You had enough of it, so you leave. I thought that i would be fine without you. But i really am not. Other people might see that I'm okay. But they're wrong. I wear a mask every day in my life. Telling and selling to people that I'm okay. I really am okay. And when I'm alone, I take it off. I could see my reflection. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of fighting the urges to cut myself deep. Or even hang me. I thought that I'm getting better. Silly me, thinking that I'll be okay.  Every day I keep wondering if I could turn back time. How I wish I never pushed you away from me when I'm not okay.

How to say goodbye when you're not ready? How to say you'll be fine when you're not sure? How to say that it is okay to move on? How can you ever be whole again when you lost your home? The truth is... I don't even know. I have been running away for 19 months Just because I had enough of the cycle But somehow... deep in my heart, I regretted it. A lot. I shouldn't have leave in the first place Now I need to deal with the consequences of my actions I guess this is the end of everything The last chapter of our story No more poems No more fighting No more coming back I'll be okay. I will try to be okay. I hope you're now happy and safe with people who actually care for you. I wish the best for you even when I'm not a part of it. It's okay to hate me. I know you were hurt because of me. I know saying sorry wouldn't be sufficient. I know that. I know this time you won't coming back again. It's time to move on and close this sad book of ours.  ...

 "I need you to promise me that you will stay alive no matter what." "It's not fair if you're not doing the same thing." "Till the never after I promise you that." "Promise."

It's been a while I've been clean and sober. To be honest, I don't like it. Because it feels too normal without having any drastic changes of my bipolar mood.  It's too quiet without the voices inside my head.  It's been awfully empty without having to hear Jaja or Irzd.  I'm scared. Terrified of losing Jaja and Irzd. They've been with me since 2015. They kept me safe from others. They love me when no one else does. They're my knights.  I don't want to lose them.  If this what being free feels. I don't want it. Without the chaos, I don't know who I truly am.  I just don't know who I am.  And I fear that. 

  I dream of you last night You were coming back home to me You were smiling at me when you see my face We had a talk We laughed, I cried, and you comfort me When I'm with you, I feel safe. But when I woke up this morning You weren't here There's no text from you And I'm all alone With the blood and bruises If this what it takes to see you again I would do it again in a heartbeat You're my muse You inspired me to write again It makes me feel close to you It's like I could feel your presence with me It's like we're strolling in there and enjoy the words You're my rose I know you guard yourself with all the thorns I don't mind bleeding my hands so I could hold you close to me Even with the thorns You are beautiful to me You're my home A home where I could cry and feel safe A home where I could rant everything to you Because you always know what words to give to me And I would run to you I would stay with you During the storm, winter, spring and...

I know it is too early to write you a poem. Somehow, I just want to write something about you. I don't want to keep suppress this feeling anymore. I need to let it out. I just wish you would be here and say, "Thoughts on anything? I'm here to listen." There are so many things that I want to say. So many feelings that I need to let it out. And I just need you to come back and be here again. I used to hate when you call me using that particular nickname, and now I miss it.  I miss everything the way it used to be.

 How can a heart break again when it's all ready been pieces? I got my heart break. Again and again. Silly me thinking that someone would ever really care for me.

Why am I broken? I couldn't even save the ones that I care about. Perhaps I should end everything.

 It's been ages since I post about AJ. My AJ. Hey AJ. Can I tell you that I miss you? Freaking missing you. I miss our talks. I miss to make a card that have every of your words. I miss the way you comfort me. I miss our little fights. I miss everything about us. Deep down I will always know that I can never forget you. Today when I went on rendezvous with my friends, I kept thinking of you. Perhaps I was hoping that I will meet you. Ever since I had a dream of you where you text me saying you were sorry for everything. Were you miss me or were thinking of me? In every crowd, I was searching for your face, or to be exact your eyes. But you were never there. I really need to get you of my mind. But how could I when every time I'm in lrt, I still searching for you. Even the song Dancing with A Stranger also remind me of you.

So today is the day. The day where most people would celebrate it with so much happiness. But somehow I know it's not for me. Nobody remember it. Well, except for Jaja and Irzd. Thank goodness I have them. For what's worth, I got Irzd and Al back. I got both of them back.  15 May is just like any other date. There's nothing special about it. Except it's Irzd's birthday too. His birthday are more important than me. So Irzd, I wish you for all the good things that will happen in your life. I really owe you. Thank you for being my savior. Please keep being my savior till forever. Don't ever let me go, okay? I love you. No matter how annoying you are, I still love you. Because you're my big brother. Forever and always.  Thank you for be the first person to wish me a happy birthday. Well, happy birthday to both of us I guess.